Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Investigations of a Lover

You want to know,my love 
how does it feel to hide my sorrows,
fears and anxieties
beneath this conspicuous veil of flesh and bones
and still manage a cheerful face.

You want to know
why don't I give up to the natural emotions
and shed off the impervious exterior
to show the world what hides in me,
the true colours ,the unmasked face
and you say you would love it all
whatever there is to see.

You want to know,my princess
why you still dont feel the intimacy
the bondings and the warmth
and all other love fancies,
when I've been with you all these times
moment by moment
memories by memories;
You also ask,why those memories are not drenched
with the earthy smell of nostalgia
but only exist because they have to.

But like a scorpion,you have the poison at your tail
And you bit with Incinerating words 
 the contempt too all fresh
As you say that you were amazed
despite our making love a hundred times
I was yet to undress !! 

But say no more my beautiful girl,
As I am ready to answer 
all that you want to know
the unspoken words,the half read thoughts
and the shrugged off questions 
which still lay in your memory wearing away my love
which used to be all carousing and lots of fun.
So Let my darkest fears and the gravest sins be revealed
in the faintest hope that you will still be mine
And let people see in this game of love 
how truth and honesty still shine.

You know I played my cards right
gave you the love and did only what
I see people playing all the time
So I also imitated them
enclosed my real ,bitter ,truth seeking self
and sunk in the intoxicating ,alluring 
fragrance of falsehood and indecency.
You have to forgive me for that
because it is a  tricky world 
and that assured me like,
found would be the answers
to the questions I seek 
and for that climb I had to
the love's dizzying peak.
I managed that happy facade
as it was the only way to be a part of the brigade
happy benevolent smiles to show
and to let inside the seeds of restlessness
and fear grow.

So I met you
out of the blue,an awesome serendipity
forgot the questions and all the rationality
charmed&enchanted by all your beauty.
And you became my necessity and me your casualty.
I played by the book and you responded well
Love grew and questions faded
Hormones raged  and logic failed
But where it would lead
was hard to tell.

But in the heart i knew
that we were just a boy and a girl
doing what was all superficial and hollow
faking stuff to be a part of the mad crowd
which gets manipulated and has nothing real to follow.

It was my fault,
I believed that
such a beauty like yourself
could exist in this damned world
and still be truthful and real.
It was my fault,I believed for a moment
that our love could be the thing I wanted
the thing that would be life altering,
but I realised ,
it was just a drug like any other;
nicotine and alcohol got a bad name
love slipped away with all the glory and fame
What a shame ! What a shame !

Never I wanted to undress my soul 
for you would have seen the ugly child
who inside me keeps crying
constrained by the books of etiquette
from breaking all loose and wild.

I hid this pathetic me from all 
until you came
and made me believe that life was sweet indeed
but all it changed was from
'same' to 'same'.
So this has to end,
our love which can't be real
and no matter how beautiful you are
fake is all what you will become
and thats the most what I fear.

 So you must go my charming dear,
for I have some answers to seek
some truths to unfold, crystal and clear
The path is hard I know
but its better to live in reality
than rejoice in illusion.
 you would also do the same,I wish
break the mould of falsehood and fly
to the gardens we couldn't visit
and the delicacies we couldn't try
because these bondages give us a sense of freedom 
when none exists.

But Just in case
I got it all wrong
forgive,my love,my blasphemous words
which may seem to hurt you 
but our love was the best thing to happen
in this miserable world,
you will know it when its due.

And if I fail in my endeavours
you must not be discouraged
 and shouldn't wait for me but fly;  
I would be in pain and will cry
but that would make it easy
to be mad and drunk and blown
and jump from the building
from which you,my love, had once flown.

But you would still want to 'know'...
and that's what now makes me smile 
as atleast 'You' have started to fly
While I sit back lonely in reminiscence 
And cry.

By-Satyam Sai
aduate Student, 3rd year
IIT Kharagpur

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